The long lament of the sweater designer

Maybe it’s the masochistic streak in me, but I simply cannot stop designing sweaters. Every time I read a new call for designs, my mind immediately starts thinking in large canvases.

This is dumb, you see.

Not dumb because sweaters are dumb. Sweaters are luxurious and amazing. Furthermore, I love the challenge of designing something that in one continuous piece has to cover so many differently shaped parts of the human frame.

No, designing sweaters is dumb because:

  • They are big. And require lots of knitting. Not so bad when you’re working on the boys’ sweaters (as I am wont to do), but excruciatingly Herculean when you’re designing for men (as I am also wont to do). I need to start befriending smaller men who won’t mind me taking dozens of photos of them whilst layered in heavy wool.
  • Knitters like accessories. There’s a lot to be said for instant gratification, and knitting a sweater is not going to come anywhere close to providing that. (See above.)
  • I HAVE A JOB. AND A CHILD. AND AN UNAVOIDABLE URGE TO SLEEP. OCCASIONALLY.

So. In front of you, as my witnesses, I am making this solemn vow: that I, Elizabeth Green Musselman, being of sound body and only slightly shattered mind, will NOT submit a sweater design in my next proposal.

This contractual obligation does not release me from the three sweaters that I have already promised, but it will, I hope provide some relief come December.

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